In the Book of Mormon we read of wars and more wars, and still the righteous are supported. They are strengthened. They receive reinforcement in ways that remind them they are not alone. As I sat with my own feelings, I realized that I too have been given reinforcement since Kelly’s passing. Family, friends, prayer, and tender mercies have carried me through days I never imagined I could endure.
July will mark two years since he stepped through the veil. Two years of learning how to breathe again. Two years of my own quiet warfare. And with the help of Heavenly Father and ministering angels on both sides of the veil, I have made it this far.
Even so, I do not fully understand why I am still struggling. I recently met with a doctor who adjusted my medication for depression, and I truly believe it is helping. Yet there are days when I still feel like I am fighting a war inside myself. Motivation feels distant. Drive feels hidden. I want to live my best life, but I am still searching for the strength to step into it.
What I long for is understanding.
What has happened to me.
Where am I.
Why do I feel like I do not belong.
Why do I feel like I have no purpose.
I want to know why my spirit feels so tired when I have come so far. But I remind myself that healing is not a straight line. It rises and falls like breath. It moves like water. It circles back to places I thought I had already passed through. And that is not failure. That is simply the shape of being human.
What I do have is hope. I am still learning how to live without Kelly. I am still learning how to carry both grief and hope in the same heart. Some days I feel steady. Some days I feel lost. Yet even on the lost days, something inside me keeps reaching for light. That reaching is a kind of faith. It is a quiet prayer all its own.
I do not know exactly where I am on this path, but I know I am still moving. I know I am still held. I know I am still becoming.
“Now ye see that God will support, and keep, and preserve us, so long as we are faithful unto him” (Alma 44:4).
A Gentle Turning Toward Purpose
After writing these thoughts, I felt a small but real change begin inside me. It was subtle, like the first warm breeze after winter, but I noticed it. I felt prompted to write immediately after my prayer, and as I wrote, I found myself pondering the nature of this battle and what it is truly about.
When I finished, I prayed again, thanking the Lord for letting me feel even a slight shift. That gratitude opened my heart to thoughts about the measure of my creation. I wondered about my purpose. I wondered what God wants me to do.
Then I came across a beautiful message by Sister Patricia Holland titled “Filling the Measure of Your Creation.” I listened to it and read it, and I felt impressed to print it and place it with my patriarchal blessing, which I have been studying more closely. It felt like the Lord was gently gathering the pieces of my identity and placing them back into my hands.
The Lord has promised in D&C 12:7 that the only qualification needed to be part of His great work is to have desires to bring it forth. And in D&C 14:4–5 He reminds us that if we ask, we will receive, and if we knock, it will be opened.
About a month ago, after praying for motivation, I received a simple message: “TO DO.” I knew the Lord was telling me to get up and act, even in small ways, and that He would move me along. And He did. That reminder still matters. I need to keep moving, even gently, and trust that He will help me.
I sometimes think of sharing my feeling, but I do not want others to worry. So I write. I pray. I hold onto hope that I can learn how to move forward in His way and according to His will. Because even though I do not understand what is happening inside me, He does.
Even though I do not have the strength to make all the changes I need to make, He does.
He will help me find, see, and do what He needs me to do. If I can be patient, look to Him, ask Him, and seek His guidance, He will help me win this battle.
I need to trust Him.
And He will help me through this.
Closing Reflection
If you are walking through your own quiet battle, I hope you remember this. You are not failing because you feel tired. You are not lost because the path curves. You are not forgotten because the light feels faint. The Lord knows exactly where you are, and He knows how to lead you forward one small step at a time.
There is no shame in needing help. There is no weakness in reaching for strength beyond your own. The Savior has always met His children in the middle of their battles, not after they have conquered them. He walks with us in the struggle. He strengthens us in the climb. He holds us when we cannot hold ourselves.
Wherever you are today, you are still becoming. You are still learning. You are still loved. And even the smallest desire to keep moving, to keep believing, to keep reaching for Him, is enough for Him to work with.
He will guide you.
He will steady you.
He will help you rise again.
There is hope in every honest prayer.
There is purpose in every small step.
There is light ahead, even if you cannot see it yet.
And you are not walking alone. WE ARE NOT WALKING ALONE!
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