There are seasons in life when the weight we carry becomes heavier than we know how to hold. I have been walking through one of those seasons. After Kelly’s passing, the responsibilities of caring for Mom grew heavier, and the demands of my own home and work pressed in from every side. I knew what was happening inside me, yet I often felt paralyzed, unmotivated, and unable to find the energy I needed to move through my days.
I have lived with depression for many years, both chemical and, lately, deeply situational. It is something I usually hide, tucking it away where no one can see it. But I have reached a point where honesty feels like the only way forward. Depression affects the way my “battery” holds a charge. In a real battery, both positive and negative charges are necessary. They work together to create energy and movement. Negative is not “bad” it is simply part of the design. But in my life, the negative charge has been louder than the positive, and when that imbalance grows, it becomes harder for my battery to function the way it was created to. Naming this truth does not diminish my faith. It simply acknowledges the reality of my journey.
One afternoon, while driving, a memory rose up so clearly that it felt placed gently in my mind. I remembered working on cars with my dad, the smells of the garage, the warmth of the light, and the simple rhythm of handing him tools as he explained what he was doing. I remembered him teaching me about a car whose carburetor was failing. The battery kept the car alive for a while, but it was never meant to carry the whole load.
That memory opened something in me. I realized that I am the battery. My life holds both positive and negative charges, as every life does, but lately the negative ones have been overwhelming. And God, steady, patient, and faithful is like the carburetor in my life. He is the One who gives me strength, breath, and balance. I call upon Him throughout my days, and He meets me with grace. But I also believe He is guiding me toward the things that will help my battery function the way it was designed to. He wants to work with me, not instead of me.
Every day I look for something to jumpstart my battery. Food has become one of those quick sources of energy. Some choices have not been the healthiest, but they have been the easiest ways to feel something when my battery is losing its charge. Family history gives me a spark of purpose, a reminder that I am part of something larger than the moment I am in. But even that spark fades quickly, and I find myself drained again.
I am working with a doctor now, hoping to find a way to help my body function as it was created to. I want my battery to hold steady again, not rely on temporary boosts to get through the day.
Engines are designed with intention. Every part has a purpose, and when something stops working, the whole system feels it. I believe the same is true for the soul. God created each of us with care and balance, with a way to breathe and move and live. When something inside us is not functioning the way it should, it does not mean we are beyond repair. It means we need support, wisdom, and the steady presence of the One who knows how we were made.
God has carried me through moments when I had nothing left. He continues to give me strength, and He will always be with me when I call upon Him. At the same time, I believe He is helping me search for ways to support my own body and spirit so that I can live with more steadiness and less struggle. His strength and my efforts can work together. I trust that He will guide me toward what will restore me, and that in time He will breathe life back into the parts of me that have grown quiet.
We all long for a small lift in our spirit. Even when life feels heavy and the engine inside us sputters, there is always hope. God does not leave us stranded on the side of the road. He walks with us, strengthens us, and helps us find the tools we need to keep going. Hope is never out of reach. It waits for us, steady and patient, ready to rise again.
With God nothing is impossible. He is the One who can bring life back to the places inside us that have grown quiet.
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