Today, while running errands, something triggered me to feel the absence of my dear beloved Kelly. I couldn’t name it at first, but I could feel the weight of it. I was running errands and doing what this season of life requires of me, but I felt overwhelmed. I found myself wishing for a pause button, just a moment to stop feeling like I was running on empty.
As I drove, I thought of the song Thankful by Forest
Frank. My granddaughter Ellie introduced this song to me, and I listen to
it almost every morning. It reminds me
of all I have to be thankful for. But today, even though it helped, it wasn’t
the one that reached the deepest part of me. It was the song that followed,
“Flowers” by Samantha Ebert that really touched me as it echoed a
message that I could really relate to.
It has been a year and a half since Kelly’s passing. For the
first year, my mind kept drifting to how much I wanted to be with him again.
Living without him felt unbearably hard, and those thoughts were a reflection
of the depth of love and the depth of loss.
The lyrics of Flowers speak of desperate prayers,
about asking God why He keeps us in certain places or seasons.
It tells the story of someone going through a long, heavy season of struggle. In
desperation, they cry out to God, asking why they’re being kept in such a hard
place. God responds with reassurance that He’s planting seeds, working a good
plan, and using this difficult valley to grow something beautiful in time.
As the person learns to trust that promise, they begin to
see their suffering as a season with purpose. Eventually, when they’re on the
“mountain” looking back, they recognize that the pain produced growth,
gratitude, and peace. The valley is full of flowers from the seeds He planted
during that journey.
Those words went straight to the tender place in me, the
place where I still long for Kelly’s presence, the place where I’m learning to
live without him, the place where I’m trying to trust God with the parts of my
life that feel unfinished or overwhelming.
The valley I’m walking through
is not wasted as God is planting seeds here. Seeds of strength. Seeds of
compassion. Seeds of endurance. Seeds of deeper trust. Seeds of becoming. And someday,
maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, I will look back and see that the valley
was not barren. It was blooming.
Psalm 30:5 reminds us that “Weeping may endure for a
night, but joy cometh in the morning.”
Missing Kelly is part of my journey. It doesn’t mean I’m
weak. It doesn’t mean I’m going backward.
It means I loved deeply, and that love still echoes.
So, I learned from this song that the Lord is not done with
me. He is not done with my healing. He is not done with my story as it is still
being written.
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